I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
