I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize