U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
