so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
