Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
