o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
