It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
