Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
