i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
