How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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