hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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