You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
