god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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