She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
