It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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