It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
The air was thick with penises
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
