I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I understand Curling. That high.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
