that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
