so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
