i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
