Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
