WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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