the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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