im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
