you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
