I murdered the dance floor call the cops
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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