Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
