When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
