is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
