toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
one two three fourrrrnication!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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