I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
