I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i think my cat just said my name.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
