so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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