Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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