I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
