Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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