I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
