I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
