i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
