tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I did not marry a roomba.
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