boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
