I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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