Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
