you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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