I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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