he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize