He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
