my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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