saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize