i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
