no, he came in my armpit
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
