I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
