Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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