While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
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