Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
This baby is an asshole
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize