I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
