Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
