I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
high people should be assigned attendants
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
