I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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