the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize