If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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