we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
