this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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